Here I am again, but how did I get here? I reached out to the man who I know in my heart of hearts is my soul mate (see "Missing: Have You Seen Genuine Love". I'm happy to report that he met me on the corner of Memory Lane & Good Times Boulevard a few weekends ago.....
Before I speak of that night I need to rewind. In early 2008 he fell off the face of the earth and left me speechless. The cessation of communication hurt my mind, body and soul for months. It took me a long time to get over him. I moped around the house like my dog died (and I don't even have a canine companion). I racked my brain and constantly wondered why we didn't work out. Was it something I did? Was I too demanding? Too dramatic? Too moody? Was it another women? What was it? To get over him I kept telling myself that it was his loss. I told myself that if we were meant to be, we would be.
After about two months I decided to reach out. I called him to say hello, but to my dismay his phone was disconnected. So much for reaching out. I took that as a sign and decided to move on with my life. However, I soon realized that it was easier said than done. I couldn't just walk away from the man who made me feel like no other man ever has. The man restored my belief in love!
My curiosity caused me to dial his phone number one day to see if his phone was still out of service... To my surprise it wasn't! He answered and I lost my voice. I quivered at the tone of his voice. His "hello" made me weak, JESUS! "Hello" he said again and then the quivering subsided. I felt anger, so I hung up. Why the hell didn't he call me? If he wanted to talk to me, he would have reached out when his phone service was restored. I sat there for a few moments and absorbed the fact that I'd just heard his voice after so many months. That moment came and went and I soon forgot about it.
A few weeks later I was at work zoning out to my tunes when "Here Without You" came on the Internet radio website, Pandora.com. I froze dead in my tracks and sat there in glee. I reminisced about our good times and how I'd feel when he'd serenade me. I took a chance, I e-mailed him. I kept it short and sweet. To my surprise he answered my e-mail later that evening. He gave me the answers to all of the questions that kept me up at night, that had me moping around for so many weeks, that had me down in the dumps. He told me that he knew he couldn't give me the attention or time that I deserved, so his conscious wouldn't let him continue to see me. My mind was at ease. No more wondering if I'd been the cause of our break-up anymore.
We agreed to meet up when he came back in town a few weeks later. He came by on a rainy Friday evening and we caught up. I opened the door and we embraced for a minute. Damn he felt good. His arms were strong and his scent was intoxicating. He looked like a caramel sundae with whipped cream and a cherry on top. I wanted to lick him, but I kept my composure and acted like I'd just seen him. We engaged in a gentle kiss and I proceeded to invite him into my apartment.
We caught up; talking and all that jazz. We caught up sexually too and the mountains did not move for me. He was oblivious before and he seemed to be even more oblivious that night. It's sad, especially because I care about him so much. I guess I shouldn't fret huh? After all he can be taught.. He's not too old to learn new things, provided he's up for my constructive criticism... We shall see in due time.
Fast forward to last night, out of the blue he texts me to ask if he can cook for me. Uh oh.... My "spidey" senses have kicked in. I'm wondering what the hell he REALLY wants (aside from the obvious). Should I let him back into my heart? Will this time be different? Or will he leave me out to dry again? The common sense in me tells me to run away, but the hopeless romantic in me is strapped in an emotional roller coaster and I'm ready to take a ride... Damn.
7 comments:
I say listen to both common sense and your heart. You can open it, verrry slowly (you know, when you can hear the creaking?). And keep your eyes open at the same time, as well as the communication lines. See where he is. But shoot, who doesn't want a little fun and romance! Don't let the past keep you from taking chances. There are enough people doing that...
Girl I agree with T. Take a chance but do it with open eyes. Give it a shot and who knows something great may come. And if not, at least you know that you tried it and you wouldnt have to wonder..what if
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING! MISS INDEPENDENT .. THE WOMEN YOU ARE. YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY..U CONTINUE TO ENJOY HIS COMPANY,LAUGHTER& EXCITMENT:)...
I SAY, ROCK WIT IT..LIKE TEEZY SAID " JUST KEEP YA EYES OPEN" .... LIKE RIHANNA SAYS.. "JUST LIVE YA LYFE"!
I agree with T as well. Open yourself slowly, and keep your eyes open. He has to work to get what he had. The time apart should be acknowledged. Let him cook for you and cater to you- in an effort to show how much you are loved. You deserve that at the very least. Let love in and doubts out. Let him prove to you where he is, but be careful not to assume. Have fun.
I say have fun...but why does he have to come to your house to cook for you? You can stay home by yourself and make your own Nachos. Let him serve his purpose.
Well, I am a bit of a sceptic and I'm going to say this at the risk of coming off as negative and bitter.
I think he is a loser! when a man really wants something, he works as hard as is necessary to get it! His excuse for his absenteeism over a long stretch of time is just lame. What kinda wack feeble ass reason is that? "I couldn't give you what you deserve"? Bullshit! Even if he thought you were deserving of bigger, brighter and better thing that he couldn't offer, he should have kept in touch.
When you love/care about someone and you truly hold a high opinion of them and you understand and aappreciate their worth, you don't just sever ties! You hold on and hang in!
And apart from him being frail and feeble in many respects. Keep this in mind as another reason to just let him be already: The more time you spend with the wrong guy the less time you spend finding the right one.
Basically the time you spend with him could be time you spend somewhere else doing something else with someone else....possibly the right person for you!
Girl you deserve of raise the bar as high as you like..scratch that! you are INTITLED to raise the bar as high as you like and by doing so a cripple like him can NEVER make it over to the other side!
One of the lessons I have learned is people tell you who they are and their actions tell the truth about who they are.
He knows that you will accept him even though he admitted he can't give you the attention you want, even when he doesn't have the decency to tell you that upfront, even when he stops calling for months leaving you sad, with a cracked heart. He knows you got it bad for him.
I say cut your losses. Don't allow him to build you up when he has shown that he has no problem letting you down.
But if he is the one, the sole soulmate, then make him work. Make him prove it. Deny him dinner. See if he makes another attempt to see you. See if he will raise the ante and offer something better. Show him that you are valuable and can not be taken for granted.
Or just give in and live for the moment. Those pillows will always be there to sop the tears if necessary...
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