Subway Stories (#2) - "Seating"

The A,C and E trains allow approximately 6 people to sit comfortably. However, there are those rare occasions when you may have 7 slender adults (or 6 adults and a child) sitting down in their respective comfort zones. For the most part, most people know that there is only room for 6 individuals, right????? Apparently not.......

This goes out to the woman in denial: Today I sat amongst 5 other people on the E train and tried to relax while venturing into the city to make that $1. My commute was blown the moment the train pulled into the Roosevelt Avenue station (a rather congested train station). The woman to the right of me gets off and several passengers board the train. Can someone please tell me why a couple (yes, a guy & his gal) sat next to me? They sat in the spot that one average sized woman sat in. First the man sits. Its all good. At this point, there is room enough for me to place my bag next to me, but apparently this dude's girlfriend thought she should attempt to squeeze in. She motioned for me to slide down and I didn't budge. YTF should I make myself uncomfortable because your inconsiderate ass is too tired to stand? B*tch, so am I! Her boyfriend slid down a tad bit more so that she was able to sit on the edge of the bench. She knew good and well that her hips and wide load of an ass couldn't fit in the seat. Can you believe this broad had the audacity to weasel her way back? My ride was not a comfortable one (to say the least) until the train cleared out at Lexington Avenue, about 4 long trains stops away. What a rude and dumb woman. Here's a word of advice for her and all other women in denial: Stop looking at your body in fun house mirrors and stop listening to the voices in your head. You're not petite, in fact you're not average. You're teetering on obesity, OK?

Men: Dudes, I'm quite sure your "packages" aren't that large. You don't have to open your legs as wide as fems do when they're going to get a pap smear, alright? I've seen your shoes and hands, let's be serious. We both know that you don't need all that space.

Inanimate Objects: Your bags, books, plants, radio, suitcase, etc. didn't pay $2 to board the train, so don't put them on the seat. Period. What kills me is when people catch an attitude when you ask them to move their belongings. Now I would be wrong if I decided to throw their sh*t out the door right?

Pregnant Women: These women are walking around with life inside of them. Need I say more? Give up your damn seat. (This is pointed specifically at the men who sit down while another woman is forced to give up her seat).

The Elderly: Now I have mixed feelings about this group. If they are walking with a cane in one hand, are wearing glasses thicker than platform sandals and have more wrinkles than a Sharpei, then yes of course I will give up my seat. However, I am not going to give up my seat to you because you happened to age fast. Its not my fault you spent your adolescence in the sun and now you have age spots as well as cracked skin. You're really 40, but you look like someone 25 years your senior. So sad, too bad! You can stand or wait for someone who has sympathy for you to give up their seat. Random thought: Ever notice how fast these supposed "decrepit" individuals run when they see a seat on the other side of the train? They damn near knock over anyone in the process while going for that seat! When someone says to them how rude they were, they suddenly can't hear; convenient hearing loss... Turn that hearing aid up!

Elderly Couples & Children: If I see an elderly couple, of course I'm going to give up my seat for the woman. In the past I have given up my seat to the woman, but she has opted to give the seat to her husband. B*tch if I wanted your husband to sit down I would have asked him. That subserivent BS may fly in your house, but not on the train and damn sure not with me! I have seen men and women give up their seats when a little child comes in. I find that to be commendable, but what makes the mother of the child think she deserves to sit down? The seat is for your child, not for you. Its not ok for you to sit and to put your child on your lap. I'm sure the person who relinquished their seat didn't want want that.

Reading: We all do it. We see someone reading an interesting article either in a magazine or a newspaper and we peek. It's OK, but please try to be inconspicuous about it, will ya? I shouldn't feel your hot breathe on the side of my face as I'm turning the page. The words that I read shouldn't be audible?

Sleeping People: After a long day at work I can understand you being tired. Go ahead take a nap; just don't doze on me. How can you not know that you're lying on my shoulder? Would I be wrong if suddenly developed a nervous twitch and started hunching my shoulders uncontrollably?

Relinquishing the Safety Net

As a "Just-passing-timer" (see "Welcome to the office"), I am constantly looking for inspiration. For me to get satisfaction, I need to do something that I am passionate about. I'm at the edge of the cliff ready to jump like so many have before me. They have successfully swam to different islands of their dreams, but I'm just not sure if I will have the same luck.

A fearless person on the cliff edge next to me says "I'm going for it. I'm gonna see how things are off this island. If I don't make it, at least I tried. See ya!" Me on the other hand, I'm stuck with analysis paralysis. My mind wonders..... "Are those waters shark infested? Is the water too shallow? Will I overexert myself before I make it to the island?" How do I stop talking myself outta things? How do I stop talking about it and start being about it?

I have nothing holding me back. No kids, no husband - no dependents. To top it off I have youth and intelligence on my side. Why am I so afraid of venturing out and trying something different? There is no fulfillment for me from 9am - 5:30pm. I maintain a good work ethic and make the most of the situation, but my heart isn't here. I feel as though this is not what I am destined to do. Its not my niche!!!!

In a perfect world Carrie Bradshaw's gig on SATC would be my ideal job. I'd be a writer, live in Soho, inspire the masses and shop for shoes... ("Hello Lover"). Unfortunately, we don't live in a perfect world. I have to be certain that my rent, amongst other bills are paid on a monthly basis. In essence I am a slave to those bills. I am too fearful to let go of a sure thing: this job and the bi-weekly paycheck. Thing is, if I were ever fired (knock on wood), I'd pull myself together and get by some how. I'm a hustler, always have been. I can get by.... So what am I waiting for?

What am I waiting for?!?!?!?!?! I should be so bold as to get a gig on the side that will allow me to pay all of my bills, return to school F/T to pursue an education that will put me on the fast track to a career and finally have fulfillment! I won't ever know until I try right? That's it, I'm jumping...... Hope the water is deep enough!

Subway Stories (#1) - "Conditions & Dining"

The NYC subway system is a lot of things: Efficient (the majority of the time), convenient, inexpensive and necessary for so many to get around (to work, to run errands, to get to school, etc). Although the system has all of these pros, there are several cons. The overwhelming con is the fact the trains and trains stations are dirty as hell!

You can't tell me the train station @ Lexington Ave & 51st St isn't contaminated w/ Asbestos! If you'd like to do some research on causes of mesothelioma, collect a few samples from that train station. Besides that, New Yorkers aren't even phased when a rat scurries along the train tracks in search of food. Its such a common sight that we aren't even squeamish anymore. What a shame. How about the homeless on the train platform enjoying their midday siestas on the wooden benches? They usually reek of urine and excrement. Don't let it be hot, because the scent can knock you out! If they aren't napping on the wooden bench, then they're probably napping on the same train you're sitting on. When they're not napping they're harassing you for some of your hard earned money because they think they're entitled to it. When you don't cough up some bread they become belligerent and downright nasty. I had this one woman give me the look of death because I told her I didn't have any change. You think I wasn't tempted to ask the lady next to me for change for $10? As scary as she looked, I was about to give her my $10 bill. Sh*t, I was afraid. This woman obviously didn't give a f**k about herself. She was walking through the train with a black garbage bag as a skirt, a scully and a winter coat; it was the middle of the summer. What's she got to lose? Shall I continue? I think I shall.

The conditions of the trains themselves wouldn't get the stamp of approval from Mr. Clean. I often see wasted food, wads of gum, discarded newspapers as well as bottles of drinks. The smells! My goodness, can the MTA please install some Febreeze air bursts, Glade "plug ins" and/or Lysol air fresheners! While most have a hard time dealing with these sights and smells, some don't....

Who might you ask? The people who sit down on the train first thing in the morning and dig into their bacon, egg and cheese sandwich on a roll. I'm sorry, but who the f**k wants to smell that s**t at 7:30 in the morning? The egg juice is dripping down your mouth, the grease from the bread is making your hands shiny, the unappetizing way your smack your mouth resembles a hippo feasting on grass. You look so gross that I think I'm gonna barf. Yuck! Train dining isn't reserved for breakfast only, no sir! Dinner, we can't forget about dinner. I'm sorry, but did you think that it was sanitary to open up your beef patty/fried chicken/pizza/cheeseburger & fries or my favorite, a sloppy ass Subway sandwich while cruising through the tunnel? What kills me is that these foods are consumed without a napkin in sight. Ummm, excuse me - there's food all over your cot damn face and its making me nauseous. Why don't you wait to eat like the rest of the civilized people on this train. Save your thanksgiving banquet for your kitchen or dining room table. And one more thing, for Christ sake, wipe your damn face!!!!!!!

Cigarette Breaks

"My boss has me under so much stress right now I can't take it! Where are my Newports? That client just annoyed the hell outta me, where are my Virginia Slims? I'm about to kill my co-wkr, where the hell are my Marlboros?" If you're a cigarette smoker these scenarios are probably all too familiar. Cigarette smokers may argue that they need to release that tension before they snap and "go postal". This may be true, but what entitles them to indefinite 15 minute increment breaks from work? WTF? I'm sorry, is there some reason why you need a special outlet to release your stress? Are you a descendant of God himself? Was the Virgin Mary your Auntie? Were Adam and Eve your Godparents? Was Noah the best man in your parents wedding?

I don't smoke so when I am harbouring resentment for anyone I internalize it and do my work. Do I really have a choice? If I want a break I wait until lunchtime and enjoy my free time. Period. If were to say "Boss, I would like to be able to go outside whenever I get ticked off for 15 minutes at a time before I go the kitchen, get the knife reserved for cutting birthday cakes, stab a few of my co-workers and push you out of the f**in window. Is that okay with you?" Sounds absurd right? In all actuality, a smoker getting a break is just as insane to me.

Let's call a smoke break what it is: a 15 minute break to go outside (because of either stress or boredom), inhale poisonous toxins, vent, joke and/or lolly gag with fellow smoking buddies (or jones on the phone). Damn, who thought of implementing this rule? I think that person is probably dead now. They died of either lung, throat or esophageal cancer.

Do cigarette smokers have to make this time up at some point in the day? No! They get to leave when the non-smokers (who have been glued to their seats festering in their hatred towards all mankind) do. Where's the equality?

I say that we start giving out Nicorette gum or let the non-smokers get a "get the f**k outta my face before I cut you break". Then and only then will the equal opportunity rule be enforced!

The Perks of not being Black in Corporate America

Top Three Perks of not being Black in Corporate America

1. Coming into work whenever you want to
2. Ignoring the dress code
3. Extended lunch hours

Like many other Americans who work in Corporate America, I'm well aware of the unsaid rules that are to be followed. These rules are meant for all to play, but sometimes I have to ask myself if we're all playing the same game.

Becky's rules
If you deem it miserably hot outside feel free to wear what your heart desires. This includes your sexy spaghetti strap dress, your fav halter top, that new clingy yellow tube top you've been dying to wear and that mid thigh "freak em' dress" that is borderline transparent. To be even more comfortable why not traipse into the office with the flip flops you just spent the weekend at the beach in. Body art is beautiful! The more the better! Visible tattoos are a way of expressing your artistic and creative side so go ahead and embrace whatever culture appeals to you. Nose rings are the newest rave so join the masses! If your weekend in the Hampton's was filled with cocktails and beers, we understand. Hangovers can be a bummer! We expect you to come in on time on Monday, but we understand if you can't. It happens to the best of us! Lunch hour is your time to unwind. If you get caught up shopping or choosing which entree tantalizes your taste buds, its OK! The work isn't going anywhere. When 5 o'clock hits, have a great night and we will see you when you feel like strolling in tomorrow. One more thing, tell you uncle, aunt, mother, father, grandmother and grandfather that I'll see them this weekend on the golf course!

Zack's rules
Your rules are quite similar to Becky's except where its obvious, unless you're a cross dresser. If you are, then by all means wear what makes you comfortable. Even though we usually require our men to wear ties with their shirts, you can use your discretion. Hell, you can pretty much wear what you feel! Jeans M-Th, why not? Who said jeans are banished in the closet until Friday? That's absurd! Flip flops, shorts, sneakers, scruffy jeans w/ holes - its all to the good!

Shaquanna's rules
Before you even dare open the rules to this game you better already have a higher level of education. We are aware that a lot of your co-workers will have less education that you and make more money than you, but we like out "special" workers to be educated and articulate! My dear, you are special!!!!!! Even though you would like to wear what Becky is walking around in, you must realize that you're viewed differently, your special! Your earrings can't be to big or too ethnic. No braids allowed, its uh, too ethnic. We prefer that your hair be as straight as possible, so "naturals" as you people refer to it should be a weekend thing. Expect your superiors to ask you ridiculous questions about your education and to act surprised when they've learned you went to a better school than they probably did. Expect us to come back from our summer vacations and to tell you that they've tanned so much they can pass for your kin. Even though we have permitted the rest of the company to dress down on Fridays, it would be in your best interest if you wore business attire, we don't know how dressed down you may get. Lunch hour is just that, an hour. As a matter of fact I will make it a point to conspicuously walk by your cubicle every 30 minutes or so to make sure you are at your desk doing work. There is to be no surfing of the net. Period. You have to do twice as much work as Becky just to get a fraction of the recognition she gets. If we think that you deserve a raise we will take our sweet time and award you with one. You should be appreciative of any increase that you're awarded, its better than turning tricks like your ancestors probably did right? You are expected to have a pleasant disposition all of the time. We don't take to well to attitude here. I don't care what problems you have outside of the workplace. Smile at all times while here. Matter of fact, how do you feel about wearing "black face"? When answering to anyone we like to hear "yes or no sir/madam". That greeting sounds so pleasant. We love pleasant people! Your shift begins promptly at 9am and ends at 5pm, but expect emergency deadlines at 4:50 or so at least 3 - 4 times a week. If we need you to stay late until the work is done don't expect any appreciation. If you are asked to stay late, you better come in on time the following day because there is no excuse for tardiness.

Malcolm's Rules
Very similar to Shaquanna's except for a few differences. Expect a full criminal background will be conducted, so I hope you don't have any priors. We claim to be an equal opportunity company, but I'm sure we can find a loophole in that contract if we find something unattractive on that background check. No "do-rags "as you people say, are allowed anywhere near the office.

Those are only a few of the rules. When we feel the need to up and change a rule without an explanation we will do so, got that Shaquanna and Malcolm? Those are the rules, are you ready to play?

Welcome to the office!

Hello All. NBC was onto something when they Americanized BBC's hit "The Office". I think I'll follow suit and make my own version of the "office".....

We all have em' in our respective offices: The "kiss asses" also know as the "brown nosers", the "thieves", the "weirdos", the "overly happy", the "just passing timers", the "phony asses", the "know-it-alls", the "workaholics", the "a**holes" and finally the "I don't give a f**kers". Be aware people! There are those individuals that can take on all roles and have all of these characteristics. They may posses them at different time or at the same time! Join me for a few laughs as I delve into this office community.....

The Brown Noser - "Yes sir", "no ma'am", "I love all of this work that you give me"! I have more than a few of those floating around in my office. These people smile so f**kin hard, you wanna ask them if they have nerve damage. I mean after all, why else would you show me all 32 of your teeth when I just asked you how your day is going? Is it really going that good?

The Thief - I saw you this morning and you didn't have anything but a newspaper. How come all of a sudden you have several shopping bags of supplies for your kitchen and home office? These bags contain reams of paper, paper towels, paper plates & cups, garbage bags, staples, paper clips, staplers, envelopes, boxed of pens and post-its? These people never cease to amaze me. Their boldness is hilarious. They think that just because these things are in the supply room and kitchen for employees to use while IN THE BUILDING, that they can just take them home?

The Weirdo - "Oh shit, he's walking towards me! Quick, think of something - plan a quick escape!" I swear this is the thought that goes through my mind when I am confronted w/ that weirdo. You know you see them, even though they would like to think they're invisible. Not only are they "weirdos", but they're also scary. Like the "brown nosers" you wonder if they have nerve damage; only their nerve damage prevents them smiling. Does this nerve damage also make their visages look like they're about to cause you bodily harm? There's this one guy in particular in my office that makes me think he keeps a sawed off shotgun underneath his desk just in case he gets pushed to the limit. He walks around as if he is stomping in a marching band for the return of Hitler. His evil, beady blue eyes tell me that he is definitely not the man I want to be alone with as the elevator doors close.

The Overly Happy - These individuals put on a huge facade just to make you think that everything is all good. In a way this is a necessity so that the office gossipers aren't all up in your business (although they'll still find something negative to talk about). I have an "overly happy" co-worker. Whenever he is asked how he is doing he is always excellent. Not good, but
E-X-C-E-L-L-E-N-T. When someone says a joke that would make most snicker this buffoon jumps up and down like he's just caught the holy spirit. The first time I saw him do this I thought that he had an anger problem and I backed away slowly (never turning my back on him).

The Just Passing Timer - I can so relate to this group. We're here because we need our bills paid and insurance. Don't get me wrong, we fraternize with our other co-workers, do our work to the best of our abilities, are not complacent, participate in the company perks (401k, ESPP, Summer Fridays, etc), but we are only waiting for the next step. We're waiting for inspiration to come from behind the desk and start doing work that we're passionate about. As a "passing timer" I can give two f**ks about some menial work being complete. My shift is over @ 5:30 and 9 times out of 10 I am pressing "ctrl, alt, delete" simultaneously. "You want me to stay late?" - lol; wait, I'll do it only if I get OT). "You want me to come in early?"- LMAO; sure, if I get to leave 8 hrs from the moment I walk in. You want me to work through lunch?" - LMMFAO; you have GOT to be out of your mind if you think I'd give up my 1 hr of solitude to do anything for this company. I am just a number here, an expendable person who can be replaced in a heartbeat. "Thanks, but no thanks, this JOB is not my life".

The Phony Ass - YTF are you so damn sugary sweet in my face then the minute my back is to you your full of hating ass things to say? These people are miserable and wallow in their misery in search of someone to wallow with them. I would compare these individuals to barnacles at the bottom of a ship. They tenaciously attach themselves to anyone so that they can be phony with them and slander their fellow employee whenever they get the opportunity.

The Know-It-All - I hate these people, in fact they sicken me! They know so much about nothing. Do these people think that their two cents are ever wanted? No losers! These people were losers in school and now they're the losers in life. No one give a f**k about what you have to say. What's worse is when you have a loud "know-it-all". They make it a point to share some meaningless information that only they deem important in a high decibel. I feel like saying "ummmm, excuse me, can you you shut the f**k up? No one cares about you or anything that you have to say dork."Pin a rose on their f**kin nose! (Shout out to my girl, she knows who she is). I work with more than enough of these individuals, but there's one in particular that gets under my skin. He resembles a lobster to me. When he speaks all I can hear is "Under the Sea" in a Caribbean accent (anyone remember "Sebastian" from "The Little Mermaid")? Since I'm not "Ariel" I could care less.

The Workaholic - You can't help but pity and respect these individuals at the same time. They are here when you walk into the office and remained glued to their chairs with their eyes fixated on the work at hand. They seldom participate in the "water cooler conversations" because they don't care to indulge in idle chit chat. They're focused. They want to climb the corporate ladder ASAP and will sacrifice a social life, personal life, family life, sleep and eating to get it. I respect them because they want to secure their futures. They want financial independence as well as power. They showcase their great work ethic, cleverness, poise and ambition. In no time at all they'll be at the top of the totem pole with no life outside of work it and a fat a** bank account. Checks and balances people, checks and balances!

The A**hole - These are the smug jerks that reek arrogance. They laugh at their own jokes, say the most inappropriate things and seem to keep an annoying a** "jokeresque" smile on their face. They're so content with themselves that nothing else matters. Oh boy - do I know these people. They come in all shapes and sizes. No matter how much disdain is expressed towards them they don't seem to get it. Dare I say that these "a**holes" are also know as delusional individuals? They don't realize that people are laughing at them and not with them? If they continue to come around me, they'll know loud and clear that I'm laughing at them! Ha!

The I-don't-give-a-f**ker" - This person can be mistaken for the "just passing timer", but they take it to a different level. They literally don't give a f**k. They come in late, take long lunch hours, peruse the Internet in plain sight to their fellow co-workers and managers, completely ignore the dress code and even drink on the job. I personally think these people are off their respective rockers, but to each their own...

So what do you do when you work with these people? You log onto your pandora account, blog and IM when you should be working, laugh every chance you get and count down the minutes til' quitting time!