Welcome to the office!

Hello All. NBC was onto something when they Americanized BBC's hit "The Office". I think I'll follow suit and make my own version of the "office".....

We all have em' in our respective offices: The "kiss asses" also know as the "brown nosers", the "thieves", the "weirdos", the "overly happy", the "just passing timers", the "phony asses", the "know-it-alls", the "workaholics", the "a**holes" and finally the "I don't give a f**kers". Be aware people! There are those individuals that can take on all roles and have all of these characteristics. They may posses them at different time or at the same time! Join me for a few laughs as I delve into this office community.....

The Brown Noser - "Yes sir", "no ma'am", "I love all of this work that you give me"! I have more than a few of those floating around in my office. These people smile so f**kin hard, you wanna ask them if they have nerve damage. I mean after all, why else would you show me all 32 of your teeth when I just asked you how your day is going? Is it really going that good?

The Thief - I saw you this morning and you didn't have anything but a newspaper. How come all of a sudden you have several shopping bags of supplies for your kitchen and home office? These bags contain reams of paper, paper towels, paper plates & cups, garbage bags, staples, paper clips, staplers, envelopes, boxed of pens and post-its? These people never cease to amaze me. Their boldness is hilarious. They think that just because these things are in the supply room and kitchen for employees to use while IN THE BUILDING, that they can just take them home?

The Weirdo - "Oh shit, he's walking towards me! Quick, think of something - plan a quick escape!" I swear this is the thought that goes through my mind when I am confronted w/ that weirdo. You know you see them, even though they would like to think they're invisible. Not only are they "weirdos", but they're also scary. Like the "brown nosers" you wonder if they have nerve damage; only their nerve damage prevents them smiling. Does this nerve damage also make their visages look like they're about to cause you bodily harm? There's this one guy in particular in my office that makes me think he keeps a sawed off shotgun underneath his desk just in case he gets pushed to the limit. He walks around as if he is stomping in a marching band for the return of Hitler. His evil, beady blue eyes tell me that he is definitely not the man I want to be alone with as the elevator doors close.

The Overly Happy - These individuals put on a huge facade just to make you think that everything is all good. In a way this is a necessity so that the office gossipers aren't all up in your business (although they'll still find something negative to talk about). I have an "overly happy" co-worker. Whenever he is asked how he is doing he is always excellent. Not good, but
E-X-C-E-L-L-E-N-T. When someone says a joke that would make most snicker this buffoon jumps up and down like he's just caught the holy spirit. The first time I saw him do this I thought that he had an anger problem and I backed away slowly (never turning my back on him).

The Just Passing Timer - I can so relate to this group. We're here because we need our bills paid and insurance. Don't get me wrong, we fraternize with our other co-workers, do our work to the best of our abilities, are not complacent, participate in the company perks (401k, ESPP, Summer Fridays, etc), but we are only waiting for the next step. We're waiting for inspiration to come from behind the desk and start doing work that we're passionate about. As a "passing timer" I can give two f**ks about some menial work being complete. My shift is over @ 5:30 and 9 times out of 10 I am pressing "ctrl, alt, delete" simultaneously. "You want me to stay late?" - lol; wait, I'll do it only if I get OT). "You want me to come in early?"- LMAO; sure, if I get to leave 8 hrs from the moment I walk in. You want me to work through lunch?" - LMMFAO; you have GOT to be out of your mind if you think I'd give up my 1 hr of solitude to do anything for this company. I am just a number here, an expendable person who can be replaced in a heartbeat. "Thanks, but no thanks, this JOB is not my life".

The Phony Ass - YTF are you so damn sugary sweet in my face then the minute my back is to you your full of hating ass things to say? These people are miserable and wallow in their misery in search of someone to wallow with them. I would compare these individuals to barnacles at the bottom of a ship. They tenaciously attach themselves to anyone so that they can be phony with them and slander their fellow employee whenever they get the opportunity.

The Know-It-All - I hate these people, in fact they sicken me! They know so much about nothing. Do these people think that their two cents are ever wanted? No losers! These people were losers in school and now they're the losers in life. No one give a f**k about what you have to say. What's worse is when you have a loud "know-it-all". They make it a point to share some meaningless information that only they deem important in a high decibel. I feel like saying "ummmm, excuse me, can you you shut the f**k up? No one cares about you or anything that you have to say dork."Pin a rose on their f**kin nose! (Shout out to my girl, she knows who she is). I work with more than enough of these individuals, but there's one in particular that gets under my skin. He resembles a lobster to me. When he speaks all I can hear is "Under the Sea" in a Caribbean accent (anyone remember "Sebastian" from "The Little Mermaid")? Since I'm not "Ariel" I could care less.

The Workaholic - You can't help but pity and respect these individuals at the same time. They are here when you walk into the office and remained glued to their chairs with their eyes fixated on the work at hand. They seldom participate in the "water cooler conversations" because they don't care to indulge in idle chit chat. They're focused. They want to climb the corporate ladder ASAP and will sacrifice a social life, personal life, family life, sleep and eating to get it. I respect them because they want to secure their futures. They want financial independence as well as power. They showcase their great work ethic, cleverness, poise and ambition. In no time at all they'll be at the top of the totem pole with no life outside of work it and a fat a** bank account. Checks and balances people, checks and balances!

The A**hole - These are the smug jerks that reek arrogance. They laugh at their own jokes, say the most inappropriate things and seem to keep an annoying a** "jokeresque" smile on their face. They're so content with themselves that nothing else matters. Oh boy - do I know these people. They come in all shapes and sizes. No matter how much disdain is expressed towards them they don't seem to get it. Dare I say that these "a**holes" are also know as delusional individuals? They don't realize that people are laughing at them and not with them? If they continue to come around me, they'll know loud and clear that I'm laughing at them! Ha!

The I-don't-give-a-f**ker" - This person can be mistaken for the "just passing timer", but they take it to a different level. They literally don't give a f**k. They come in late, take long lunch hours, peruse the Internet in plain sight to their fellow co-workers and managers, completely ignore the dress code and even drink on the job. I personally think these people are off their respective rockers, but to each their own...

So what do you do when you work with these people? You log onto your pandora account, blog and IM when you should be working, laugh every chance you get and count down the minutes til' quitting time!