What do you do when the guy who goes down on you is terrible; I mean horrific? Do you tell him that his cunnilingus skills are reminiscent to a dying squirrel gnawing through a wall desperate to get out before he suffocates to death?
Hmmmmm, sounds like a blog entry to me!
As I've said too many times boredom can make you do a slew of things that you probably shouldn't do (calling people that you swore you'd never speak to again, engaging in meaningless sex, spending money you don't have or consuming fattening food to cure your sweet tooth - I'm sure you get it. Boredom can be dangerous, very dangerous).
Yesterday boredom coupled with rainy weather made me send out a text message to "Earl" (See "Subway Stories 6: Who Makes the First Move" for a history of this him) suggesting that we see the new X-Men movie and do lunch - he accepted my offer.
After enjoying the wonderful special effects and strong story line we ventured to Applebee's for a quick bite to eat. (Sidebar - I sooooo suggest the Shrimp Fettucine in a green Alfredo sauce with basil - amazing!) Ok, where was I again? Oh yeah - after lunch I suggested that we come back to my place and chill. The overcast weather made me want to cuddle up with a man that I really cared about (he wasn't around so I settled for Earl. Awww, I'm horrible right? Don't get me wrong, I have feelings for him, but he's doesn't possess that "it" factor for me).
We cuddled for a spell and he dozed off soon after. That was all I needed. His arms are crave worthy, they make me feel warm and safe.
While he enjoyed his journey to "Lala Land" I got up to tidy up a bit and then went to shower. When I came back upstairs he was awake, which I wasn't expecting, perusing the Internet. I was in the middle of applying lotion to my body when I asked him to assist with my back. He gladly obliged and proceeded to apply my whipped cocoa butter cream all over my back and it felt nice. After he completed that task I stood up to apply lotion to my thighs and buttocks. As I stood in front of my mirror, I saw him looking at me with a very high level of intensity - I must say it was both amusing and flattering. He ogled me as if I were a dead carcass and he was a vulture about to go in for the most sumptuous feast imaginable.
He took initiative (wow, for a God d**n change) and proceeded to ATTEMPT to eat my "candy." No no #1 - why the hell would he attempt to please me orally with my legs closed? Ummm, last time I checked I had a vagina, not a penis! Since he didn't get the fact that he really wasn't doing a good job in that position I decided to take the wheel and sat down on my bed. I lied down and thought I was about to enjoy a delightful experience, but I was sadly mistaken.
No no #2 - he hurt me, he literally hurt me. After sharp yelp you would've thunk he'da stopped or asked me if I were ok, but no. I had to tell him that he hurt me! He didn't bite me, but it felt like it. At that exact moment it felt like he was a grown man chewing on my genitalia with hard gums; as if he was teething and my vulva was his coping mechanism. Can we say yuck? How about yuck, Yuck and YUCK!!!
After a few seconds I told him and I quote "Owww, you are hurting me and I'm sorry, but this doesn't feel good." Do you know this fool had the nerve to say "Don't move." (as if he was working magic - ha!)I was literally in awe! I've been told several time that my faces are classic and I'm quite sure that at that very moment my face was worth a million words - to think of a few: disgusted, sickened, abhorred, repulsed, appalled... You get my drift.
I told him again to stop and this time I spoke with a bit more sternness in my voice. He knew I meant it, so he stopped (thankfully). The horrible experience was over. and I was amazed; amazed that a human being could be that oblivious. He really thought he did something spectacular - what a joke.
After that ordeal I went to lie down and he knew that I was far from satisfied. You know what, I really didn't care about his feelings at that moment. I felt like being selfish. I decided to doze off and he opted to leave and go home. Ordinarily he would've snuggled up next to me, but I think the tension was a bit too thick for him. Ahh well, he left and I bid him good riddance. I dozed off and woke up to the memory of my experience with him last night. What a way to start off the week!
Long story short, I didn't get my rocks off and I may have hurt Earl's feelings. Ah well, guess he'll just have to get over it. Lesson here ladies and gentleman: Say no to boredom! Call a friend and do something constructive!
3 comments:
Hmmm...I'm pretty sure this wasn't the first time he went down on you. Was it bad then? Maybe you bought the animal out in him this last time. Kudos to you for that! Next time if there is a next or with anyone in general...dont say "Stop" just direct them :-)~...That can lead to some interesting sex! Role play even :-)~
I don't know what happened between the time before and the last time. I tried to redirect, but he was just oblivious. He just didn't get it. It is my belief that some people just cannot be taught to be good at everything.
Ouch!!! For real! This had me closing my legs and wincing. I know exactly what you mean about doing shall we say "not exactly smart" stuff when you're bored. We should figure out something to do for that.
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