Missing: Have you Seen Genuine Love?

I'm approaching the two year anniversary of the break-up with my ex-BOYfriend. Damn, time flies, especially when you're having fun. The first few months were emotional. I experienced self-doubt, sadness, loneliness and anger. Self-doubt: My swagger was non-existent. I wasn't sure that I'd find someone that I'd click with the way I did with him. Sadness: Sad that my comfort zone was gone. I didn't have to put on airs with him, he knew me inside and out. Loneliness: I missed all the good times, comfort and fun I shared with him. Anger: Angry that he never turned into the man I wanted him to be. Angry that I allowed myself to stay with someone so undeserving of me. Angry that I wasted so many years of my life of with him. So here I am now - two years later and still single in the suburbs.

The Break-Up: It was heart wrenching. To see a grown man cry is never an easy thing, especially knowing that you're the one who is inflicting the pain that causes the incessant tears to fall. I knew it had to be done. I told myself over and over again he wasn't deserving of me, but I stayed. Wishful thinking is a b**ch. Wishful thinking will have you believing things that will never come to be. After some painful realization I made up my mind. I left! I finally saw what all my loved ones saw, he wasn't worthy of me. His luck had just ran out. I summoned strength I didn't know I possessed and made the move. For once in my life, my no meant no. No more tired excuses, no more empty promises, no more crying over being disappointing repeatedly. This break-up was a long time coming.

You Got it Bad: This is the time in my life when I was so far gone from happiness it's not funny. I ended my six year relationship, three months shy of another milestone birthday - the big 2-5! Needless to say there was no celebration that year. As a matter of fact From September to March I moved, my address was "the twilight zone". It seemed that nothing made me genuinely happy. I pretty much did nothing but cry. Cried from the pain I felt in my body & my heart, cried from the emptiness, cried from the loneliness, cried from the vulnerability, cried from the desertion of love. It was hard. I prayed to God feverishly, asking him to take the love I had for that boy outside my heart, body and mind. Slowly but surely He did just that.... Amen.

I Think I'm Ready : I was finally back in the swing of things; I got my swagger back! Nothing could stop me! I allowed men to wine and dine me. I allowed my heart to take chances. I allowed myself to enjoy being a girl. I enjoyed being coquettish, sassy, and adventurous. Before I knew it I was out there, full-fledged in the dating scene and enjoying every minute of it.....

Heartache After Love: I let love in, and it deceived me. It came inside my heart with a bomb. Little did I know that love had every intention of shattering my heart. I met the man I thought was my soul mate. He also happened to be the one-minute man (see "Sex & Men") in my life too, talk about a predicament. This man made me believe. He made me believe in romance, the one thing I had never experienced in my life. He made me believe in life after love. He made me believe in soul mates. He made me believe in men. Picture this: You're picked up by the new beau in your life and taken back to his place. You're blindfolded and led into the restroom to change into a towel. On the bathroom sink - a card, a scented-candle and a glass of chardonnay. The card reads "The last few weeks have been amazing, thank you." Yes, this was very sweet, I was in total disbelief. I exit the restroom to step into bliss.... A massage table for my comfort, aromatherapy for my mind, music for my serenity and my "soul mate" for my pleasure. His hands touched every aching part of my body. The aching was internal. With every caress, a little pain escaped. This was the first we were ever intimate. After this perfect night, my skepticism kicked in. I found myself asking him how long the "ride" would last. I should have known from his response, "don't think about the end, just enjoy the ride", that this ride was soon coming to an end. The spontaneous fishing trips on his boat were soon over, the romantic dinners were over, the nights of joking all night long were gone. The bomb has just been detonated and my heart was shattered. Here I am again, how did I get here?

Back to the Drawing Board: "If at first you don't succeed, then dust yourself off and try again". I took these words to heart and allowed myself to not give up on love. It was out there and I was bound to become very acquainted with it! I enjoyed the wining & dining, but not the games (the BS excuses, the little white lies, the deception, the broken promises, the let downs). After a while it all gets old. Getting to know someone all over again is draining. Taking chances on someone is draining. Getting let down after let down is draining. Still, I fought through these tiring processes and tried not to let love defeat me.
I met a guy. A guy that I really like. He's romantic, kind-hearted, gentle, intelligent and attractive, but he's just learned how to walk. He's straggles along, proceeding with baby steps if you will, unsure and extremely cautious. How long must I reassure him that he can trust me? At this point of my life I'm an Olympiad in Beijing. I'm at the long jump trying get as far ahead as I can with the ultimate prize of gold. What am I to do?
I met a guy, he's what I want on paper. Successful, ambitious and confident, but he needs to learn romance & communication. I am willing to teach, but the question is, is he ready to be an studious pupil?
So, here I am, two years later with no one to call my significant other. The sand in the hourglass of single life is quickly dropping...... The thrill of getting out there in that social scene is getting to be a bit monotonous.

It's Hard: It's hard to be the "single" friend when all those you associate with disconnect from you and connect with men. It's hard to be single on breezy, rainy days. It's hard to be single on lazy weekends. It's hard to be single when a new movie comes out on a Friday or Saturday night. It's hard to be single when you know that you have so much love to give and no one to receive it. It's hard to be single when you've finally came into your own skin and have yet to find a special & deserving person to share this new found self-awareness. It's hard to be single when you're surrounded by people who aren't.

Help Wanted: This is a wanted ad that only genuine, real, crazy love need to apply to. I'm looking for love that is built on the foundation of friendship, understanding, patience, support and romance. I need the love that will grow uncontrollably, haphazardly if you will. I'm looking for the love that's in it for the long haul; persevering, deep and serious. The compensation is all of those things in return and then some.......